Success with women – 5 reasons why trying to be successful will make you fail
Posted by Dennis Miedema | Posted in Columns, Dennis Miedema column, Inner game, Limiting beliefs | Posted on 22-06-2010
Tags: confident action, dating success, success with women
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Success with women seems so hard to achieve for the average guy. Worrying about what you’re doing (or not doing) is the surest way to keep your but single, sexless, and unsuccessful.
The KEY difference in the way successful people think is that they see failure as a MAJOR part of the process of achieving success.
Doesn’t matter if we’re talking about women, your job, or sports here: to successful people? There is no winning without failure.
And it’s true!
Unless you plan on spending all your time under the influence of drugs or in fantasy land (or both), failure is in your destiny. Trying to minimize or avoid failure will not help you be successful.
Here’s the juicy secret: trying to be successful will not help you become successful. It will PREVENT success.
The Problem With Success With Women
You’re probably reading this because you want to be a successful man. A real man. You want results with women, right? You want the benefits that come with that: popularity, sex, confidence, envy from other people…
That’s awesome and I genuinely want to help you achieve dating success. But there are five important reasons why aiming for success because it’s success is BAD for you:
1) Your Definition Of Success With Women Changes
Question: what’s success for you?
Oh come on… be honest!
- Is it about going to a club or bar and getting as many women as possible?
- Is it about having the respect and jealous looks from your friends and family when you introduce them to the most beautiful chick ever?
- Is it about finding a “special” woman that “completes” you?
- is it about proving you’re a “real man” who can get ANY woman he wants with total confidence?
Too many guys don’t create their own definition of success with women. They simply copy the beliefs about dating success they read about or see around them… and then think is the right way to go…
Or these men do what they think is expected from them. Hell, they FOLLOW the ideas other people have about what being successful with the ladies means.
Have you ever felt like the things you are trying to achieve with women aren’t right for you? That that’s not you? That becoming Hugh Hefner-like is NOT you? That being the father type with the home, wife, and kids isn’t you?
Following other people’s ideas is NOT how real dating success is achieved. Because even if you look successful to other people, you’ll feel disconnected from it. You’ll feel fake.
Achieving the wrong kind of success will always feel hollow. The only person that can say that you ARE or AREN’T successful with women… is YOU, because you define what your own success is.
2) Success Is NOT A Way Of Motivating Yourself
Your definition of success with women is too often based on the things you believe success can deliver.
Lots of women. The feeling that you have “made it”. Feeling like you’ve “arrived”. Thinking you’ll be free of worry and stress. These are all external things. Materialistic things.
You THINK a successful lifestyle will bring these results TO you. When you make decisions based on an external motivator, it’s much easier to second-guess yourself.
Better said: motivating yourself with materialistic crap works only during a short period of time at best. But motivation that comes from within? That’s long term. It’s WAY more powerful.
3) Mind Trick: You Think Success Isn’t Right Here, Right Now
If you’re working hard to make something happen? It’s easy to dream about the moment you become successful. We all like to fantastize about that big reward for all our hard work.
We dream about what all that approaching and what all those conversations with women will bring us…
But that kind of success is always JUST out of your reach. That kind of success is always just around the corner and not right here, right now.
I can almost hear you think: “Damn, just a few more weeks or months away. Just a bit more phone numbers, and you’ll finally be successful.”
But what about now? What’s stopping you from feeling like a success right now? Waiting for success with women in the future takes you out of the game in the present.
Waiting for success makes you overthink stuff while you should be enjoying your freaking self! And during a longer period of time? Waiting for success with women makes you unhappy, because you NEVER arrive.
As soon as you achieve a goal, you will want to achieve more… that’s why success will play a trick on your mind if you think you need to work your ass off to get it.
4) Success With Women Doesn’t Eliminate Worry Or Fear
I hate to give you bad news dude, but being successful with women DOESN’T change how your brain works.
Here’s the BRUTAL truth: success with women usually makes you worry and fear MORE.
Why?
Because you’ll worry about losing women. Because you’ll worry about whether you can repeat what you achieved or not. As long as you stay trapped in this repeat/lose mindset, you will always worry and fear.
The only thing that eliminates worry and fear is changing the mindset that leads to self-doubt and back peddling your decisions in the first place! That’s why in the dating game? Inner game is king!
5) More Brutal Truth: Success Is Limited By Your Confidence
This is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this ENTIRE blog post… what I’m about to say is CRUCIAL…
Any success with women (or in life) you may experience is limited by your confidence.
Why?
Success is achieved by taking repeated, meaningful action. So guess what?
Guess what happens if you’re not confident enough to take the actions that scare the crap out of you?
What will you do when things go wrong?
Without confidence, you’ll be fast to retreat. You mentally rape yourself about your failure. You reinforce a negative image of yourself. NOT good.
Trying to be a “successful man”, a “real man” or a “womanizer” is investing energy in the wrong stuff. It’s allowing and ACCEPTING everything I’ve talked about before. It’s ignoring your mindset:
How you’re thinking about what you’re doing and how you’re doing it right now. You are NOT a product of your environment, your environment is a product of you.
Most guys (and people in general) don’t put enough thought into what and how they’re doing what they do and they end up going insane, becoming depressed, or giving up because of it.
What I want you to do is ONLY focus on becoming a confident guy, instead of a successful guy.
To borrow from a blog post from this guy called Dave Navarro:
“Success is not a person. It’s an event.”
Change your mindset from being a guy who’s succesful with women to a guy who’s confident and you’ll have more success events and more failure events. Both offer you rewards.
How To Change Your “Mating Mindset”
Here’s how to do it…
=> Play a game that matters…
Only play a game that matters to you. Why? It causes you to be motivated to achieve from the inside out, you’ll be playing because of your passion and “the love of the game” instead of for materialistic crap like a reputation.
Example…
If you want to be the best tennis player you can be, it will only happen if you enjoy the hell out of playing tennis. Everything else means setting yourself up for struggle and doubt.
And I always say: doubts are for the passionless. Follow your passions. Play a game that matters to YOU.
=> Forget the rules, just freaking play!
This is a tour of your own brain: to the left there are expectations about what you can and can’t do. On your right hand you’ll see what you think you should and shouldn’t do. Right around the corner is what you think you must and mustn’t do. On top of that are all the expectations you have about other people.
And then there’s the bully of our tour of your brain: the expectations about what other people expect of you.
Forget all of that and just play.
The best players of ANY game and of ANY sport aren’t walking around thinking about how they should play the game. They use natural ability, learned skills and strategies to play the best they can.
=> Take confident action
Confident action is about making choices on purpose. There is no such thing as random activities or “luck” in success.
Confident action is using your beliefs, strengths, and talents to support your decisions and the actions that follow.
Confident action is trusting yourself to make the next decision, no matter how this one turns out.
=> Decide what’s important
I don’t like to KEEP giving you bad news, but things WILL go wrong and you WILL screw up dude. You have almost no control over it.
BUT…
The good news is that you always get to choose how you think about what goes wrong.
Screwing up is only a big deal if you decide it is. By looking at it in a different way, there’s no need to retreat, repeat or feel bad. Because every failure gives you feedback. Every interaction with women is a lesson. THAT’s the right mindset… AND…
Because you’re motivated from the inside out? The idea of “failure” has far less power than if you’re motivated by materialistic crap and external stuff.
And sometimes? Sometimes the power of “failure” disappears completely. That’s where I am at with my mindset right now. There is no rejection, only learning. You get to decide what’s important.
The #1 Secret To Achieving Success With Women
Don’t think in terms of men who ARE successful with women and men who are not. We all experience success and failure throughout our lives and throughout the dating game.
Remember: success and failure are not people. Success and failure are events.
People achieve success because they’ve achieved a level of confidence that allows them to take meaningful action no matter what.
Even when they’re scared to death or sick or broke? They take the action that needs to be taken.
Guys who are TRULY successful with women (and in life) have achieved a level of confidence that allows them to trust their behavior, while others focus on thinking about the outcome of that behavior.
Some questions for the comments:
1) What is YOUR definition of success with women?
2) Did you make any of the 5 mindset mistakes I mentioned?
3) Most important question: do you see now why approval is useless and not necessary?
Here’s my own answer to the third question: guess why I don’t give a crap about what other dating coaches think? About what pick up artists think?
I don’t care about how people measure me on their self-made ladder with levels of success, because I’ve got my own ladder that only I measure with 
And now this coffee junkie is going to suck his caffein machine dry for all the liquid it’s worth like my name is Dracula!
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
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