Dating Articles
On this page, you’ll find the 3 most recent dating articles I’ve written. Simply scroll down, start reading and enjoy!
And if you want to know more about the topic? Look to the right side of your screen: you see that list of topics? Clicking on a topic will take you to a page with even MORE dating articles about THAT topic.
Enjoy these articles… while I enjoy my coffee addiction, lol!
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
Top 10 Things NOT To Do When Approaching Women
Last modified on 2010-06-19 20:11:16 GMT. 3 comments. Top.
Hey it’s Dennis Miedema from Win With Women here and as a dating coach, instructor, expert, or whatever you want to call me? It’s only right that I share with you some of the “rookie mistakes” many of my students make when they try to approach women, so YOU won’t make the same mistakes as they’ve made.
I’ve coached over 600+ men with achieving dating success in 2008 and 2009 combined… and the moment I told them about these things not do? Was the moment they started getting a LOT more results with women, because everything gets much easier once you handle the fear of walking up to a woman to start a conversation.
Here’s the juicy secret: you’ll find out that women aren’t that scary once you actually start talking to them.
Anyways, here’s my top 10 things NOT to do when approaching women…
#1 Don’t Do A “Random Pick Up”
This one deserves the number one spot of most common mistakes of approaching women, hands down!
You see, women absolutely LOVE bad boys for lots of reasons… but they HATE players. Better said: no one wants to feel like they’re not important, like they don’t matter, like they’re far from unique and just one out of many… and women are no different. They don’t want to be the random chick you picked up at a bar.
That’s why pick up lines and vague compliments (example: “you’re so hot!”) never work with women, because they know you can use them on ANY woman, which makes it a whole bunch of pretty sounding crap to them.
Women want a man that has a genuine interest in them, so, someone who gives compliments about who they are as a person or their specific physique… and someone who seduces them with the stuff they’re interested in (hobbies, fantasies, ambitions, passions, etc.). So, don’t do a random pick up. Do a genuine pick up.
#2 Don’t Over Think It
A lot of men have problems with finding something witty to say to the women they encounter and want to approach. By the time they’ve thought of something “cool” to tell a woman? She’s already gone or talking to someone else.
Don’t be one of those guys, because sometimes… sometimes saying “Hi” is all you’ll ever need to do to start a fun, exciting conversation with a woman that easily leads to getting her phone number.
#3 She’s Not A Magical Princess, But Just Another Human Being
99% of the men out there view the woman they take out on a date as “miss right” and thus the woman they approach as a future miss right, while women think of men more casually… more along the lines of “let’s see where this goes.”
Major problem: thinking the woman you’re about to approach is your future miss right is putting a lot of pressure on yourself and I can almost guarantee you: you’ll act nervous, won’t know what to say and there will be plenty of awkward silences.
So, don’t see the woman you’re approaching as a magical princess, but just another human being.
Here’s the juicy secret: an easy way to program yourself into believing this is remembering that every woman has insecurities. While you may see a certain woman as absolutely freaking hot, cutest face ever, nice tits and ass… she herself?
Is insecure about her thighs, her eyebrows, her feet… and beauty can be a curse too: she fears men won’t like her for who she is, but for her looks alone which makes her even more insecure. So she has insecurities just like you do, she’s not almighty or anything. Like I said: she’s just another human being, not a magical princess. There’s nothing to feel intimated by.
#4 Don’t Be Awkward, Relax!
Remember the miss right thing from number 3 of the top 10 things NOT to do when approaching women? Well, I attended the Real Man Conference back in 2008 and it drives my point home of how you shouldn’t be awkward.
At the Real Man Conference several dating experts and students gathered to do their thing and learn from each other… and one of the dating experts there was Orlando Owen who was determined to show us the consequences of being awkward around women.
He got two girls from the audience and one guy and told the guy to approach one of the two girls like he normally would. Then, he asked the girls what they thought about him: they clearly saw he felt uncomfortable… and it made THEM feel uncomfortable. They literally said they felt more like walking away from him than talking to him.
Conclusion: don’t be awkward, but relax. Remember, a woman is just another human being with insecurities… AND… I can tell from experience that every single time you go out to approach women? You’ll start off rusty and it usually takes several approaches before you get your “mojo” back. You’ll get better with experience, so you just need to put in some work to have more success.
#5 Don’t Freak Out About Approaching
Most common excuse of one of my new students when I tell them to approach a cute woman: “No I won’t approach her, because she’ll know I’m approaching her with sexual intentions and reject me.”
Here’s the juicy secret: men have been approaching women successfully for millions of years, otherwise you simply wouldn’t exist. Your father successfully approached your mom, his father did the same with his mom, and so on. So, from a biological perspective? You’re SUPPOSED to approach women! It’s the one thing that ensures the survival of the species.
So, it’s okay to approach women, it’s normal… hell, women EXPECT you to approach them because you want a date out of it.
#6 Don’t Settle For Nothing
Try to get at least SOMETHING out of every conversation. A lot of men give up the war after losing 1 battle, why? Don’t get me wrong, thinking you need to hump every cute woman you ever freaking encounter is weird… you’re not a sex machine. And no, it’s not “cool” to be a sex machine that only has women but no career, money, or anything else going for himself.
But… don’t give up the war after losing 1 battle. She’s not interested in you “that way?” Then befriend her instead. I’m willing to bet she has some hot friends. She doesn’t want to give you her phone number? What about her MSN chat or Facebook instead?
Are you getting the point here?
#7 Don’t Think Groups Are The Same
Classic rookie mistake of approaching women: a woman’s with her friends, you like her so you approach her, and you ignore the rest of the group. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The other women in the group will get jealous and be sad that no man is giving THEM that much attention… so they’ll cockblock you by saying they’re tired and want to go home. And guess what? They’re taking “your” woman with them.
Here’s the juicy secret: no one wants to be ignored. Everyone wants to be at least acknowledged for existing, for being there. So, the least you can do is introducing yourself to her friends, ask their names, and talk about some random things with them. You’ll respect their presence in doing so and they’ll leave you alone 9 out of 10 times = you “get the girl”.
#8 Don’t Let Others Screw Up Your “Work”
Most men are jealous fools and try to screw up your chances with women, even if they themselves don’t stand a chance at all. Must be survival of the fittest at work there, but whatever’s the case, it’s annoying.
Your drunken friends are all over you as soon as you’re talking to a hot babe, if she’s in a group with guy friends then they’ll try to pull her away from you, random guys you and her both don’t know will try to interrupt you… and 9 out of 10 men get distracted by it and “lose the girl”.
And here’s the irony: if you would simply ignore them and keep on talking to the woman you’re interested in? Those losers will make themselves look like jealous fools, screw up their own chances instead of yours, and she won’t pay attention to them AT ALL.
So, don’t let others screw up your “work” and ignore the competition when they try to ruin things for you.
#9 Don’t Be The “One Trick Pony”
Another classic rookie mistake: did you know that women actually also exist OUTSIDE of clubs and bars? They’re everywhere, just like men are. So, don’t limit yourself to one location when it comes to approaching women. Don’t be the one trick pony, because what are you gonna do when the clubs are closed or not open yet?
Try to have at least 2 different locations: clubs and shopping malls, at work and online, whatever. You know better than I do where you can be found most of the time…
#10 Don’t Stop At Yes, “Upsell” Yourself
Does this sound familiar: woman makes eye contact with you, you approach her, you have a great time, and you ask her for her phone number? It does? Well, then you’re an idiot without even knowing it. See, most guys actually LIMIT THEIR OWN SUCCESS by asking for a phone number while they could have gone all the way with a woman the same day they met them…
Just like you should try to get at least SOMETHING out of every conversation, try to get the most out of EVERY woman that seems to be interested in you. I mean, why wait? If she’s making eye contact like crazy and all over you when you get to talking, why waste several phonecalls and dates when you can just as easily take her to your place then and there?
Life is short, so get as much as possible out of every woman that’s interested in you: “upsell” yourself after you heard and/or saw the “Yes I’m interested” signals.
=> So far for my top 10 things NOT to do when approaching women…
Or to quote that cool cartoon piggie from way back here: “th… th… th… that’s all folks!”
I’ve got some questions for you though that I would LOVE to get some answers for:
1) Do you like the top 10? Is there anything missing in my top 10 in your opinion?
2) Which of the 10 things NOT to do… have you done in the past by accident or because of a lack of experience with women?
This movie junkie is off to watch his favorite flick of all time: Goodfellas. Call me a sucker for mobster movies, but I was raised on that stuff so I don’t care!
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
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P.S. What you’ve just seen above were just the basics of my thoughts on women, dating, and creating attraction, and if you want to get a ton of other tips about how to quickly meet more women without much effort? Then sign up for my newsletter below…
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Top 10 Reasons Why Looks Matter…
Last modified on 2010-06-19 20:12:35 GMT. 7 comments. Top.
These days it’s almost a mortal sin to be a dating coach for men who says looks matter.
This makes it THE perfect topic to talk about for me, firstly because looks are actually important… and secondly, maybe… maybe I wanna talk about it because I’m just a big dramaqueen who likes controversy from time to time.
It’s quite funny to me to see all these dating coaches, dating experts, and dating gurus struggle to give you reasons why looks don’t matter, but looks DO matter.
Don’t get me wrong, they matter less than most guys think they do, but looks matter in entirely different ways than just “he’s hot” type of thinking.
So before I throw my top 10 reasons why looks matter at you, I want to point out to you that looks DON’T matter like you think they do. If that sounds strange, I promise you, it will make a lot more sense after you checked out the following top 10…
#1: Sex On The First Date
There has been some very interesting research going on lately. The best example is this research project that studied the reasons why and the reasons why not… of women having sex on the first date. The results were surprising, because as it turns out?
Women are far more likely to sleep with a guy on the first date if he’s well groomed. And with well groomed they mean: shaven, hair perfectly trimmed and styled, clean nails, not too much body hair (women don’t hate HOB – Hair On Back – for nothing!) and so on.
The difference between well groomed guys and not so well groomed guys was amazing: twice as much chance of sex on the first date when well groomed.
Clearly, personal hygiene plays a bigger role in one night stand dynamics than we used to think.
And then they say the “pretty boy” look is gay. Guess not. It’s sexy.
Food for (not so serious) thought here: is that why women in chick flicks tend to fall in love with gay guys?
#2: The Halo Effect
Ever heard of Robert Cialdini? His bestselling book Influence is one of the finest works on the psychology behind persuasion ever. In it, he describes several research projects that seemed to prove the existence of what he called “the halo effect”.
The halo effect works like this: people tend to think that more attractive people are also happier, outgoing, more successful, kinder and have many other positive traits. In less-individualistic cultures beautiful people are assumed to have traits that those cultures value, such as concern for others, loyalty and integrity.
The stereotype acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy where the perception of attractive people as more valuable members of society leads to their receiving preferential treatment, positive feedback and tangible benefit.
Could this be a clue about why women tend to have sex on the first date way more often if the guy is well groomed? So, that a guy with excellent personal hygiene is considered to be good looking and receives all of the benefits of the halo effect because of it?
As you can see: looks matter!
#3: Catering To Criteria
As a dating coach, I can tell from experience that your style of clothing matters. I’ve seen it a million times with my students, but let me tell you about some of my personal experiences with catering to criteria.
Over here in the Netherlands, there are lots of Middle Eastern and North African (Maroccan, Egyptian, etc.) women. A symbol of islamic and Middle Eastern pride is the shawls Arafat (Palestinian leader, R.I.P.) always used to wear. You know, those shawls with blocks of red and white or black and white?
Well, guess what? Whenever it’s cold in the winter I put one of those shawls on… and Middle Eastern and North African women magically start looking my way a hell of a lot more, try to make eye contact like all the time, smile at me constantly… and the list goes on and on.
In the summer though, I love wearing caps. Maybe because I was born and raised on basketball, maybe not. Anyways, the moment I walk around with my basketball caps on, wearing a standard color t-shirt (white, black, blue, something like that)?
Urban women magically start looking my way a hell of a lot more. Black women, latin women, “ghetto-ish” women…
Why?
Because I’m displaying a trait of their type of man, the type of guy they would be interested in. So, meeting women that are your type works both way. Say you like latin women, then your best bet is to not only go to salsa, merengue, and reggaeton parties but to also start wearing Spanish looking stuff. T-shirts with Spanish texts, artists, flags, and so on.
It makes a difference… and winning with women exactly that: standing out in a sea of boring, desperate losers that women can’t ever feel attracted to.
#4: Best Practices For The Bedroom
Ever had one of those moments in the bedroom where you WANTED to go on, but you just couldn’t because you’re legs or sixpack were giving up on you? Like it or not, you’ll be using your sixpack a LOT during sex… just think about the movement you’re making. It’s tightening and loosening your abs allll the time.
So, working on your abs and physical condition makes you last longer in the bedroom. The longer you last, the better in bed you (can) be and the more pleasure you can give women. And that’s important: it’s been proven that the main reason for women cheating on their man is because he couldn’t satisfy them sexually.
And no matter how you put it, working on your stamina (your physical condition) simply makes you look better… look fitter. If you really go at it, you’ll get yourself a nice sixpack, firm legs (women check those out, that’s why I said it)…
Another reason why looks matter: better looks = better physical condition = being better in bed…
#5: Negative Emotions
Negative emotions can KILL your chances with women and your current relationships. We tend to project our emotions on the people we care about the most. So, if I’m feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed, and so forth a lot of times… guess who will suffer from it? The woman you like the most.
Either you’ll “bash” your girlfriend with the negative emotions that can’t go anywhere else, or you’ll scare the woman you want to ask out with your negative atmosphere that signals neediness and frustration = attraction killers all over the place.
What do looks have to do with that?
Simple: if you find yourself an outlet for the negative energy you collect for all kinds of reasons, you’ll be more open, more social, more patient, and more confident. These are all traits that women like… and what’s the easiest and most effective way to get rid of your negative energy?
Working out.
And there you have it: another area of life where the dating game and looks intertwine, because as you know, working out makes you look better, fitter, more muscular, etc. while it helps you get rid of those nasty negative emotions that will have a bad influence on your dating success.
…..
There I said it. So far for my reasons why looks matter.
I hope this blog post expands your mind a little bit, because that was the whole purpose of making this damn top 10 in the first place: to give you a different, better perspective on how looks work in the dating game.
Some questions I’d like to ask you…
- What are your number 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 reasons why looks matter?
- What do you think is the biggest myth when it comes to looks and physical appeal?
And now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to check out How To Train Your Dragon in 3D with my little niece.
Actually, I convinced HER to go to the movies instead of the other way around. I’m telling you, there’s nothing like the smell of sweet popcorn during the movies for this cinema groupie!
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
Visitors who read this blog post also read…
What Women Want…
What Is Attraction?
How To Create Attraction By Developing Your Character Traits
Inner Game 101: They’re Just Guests In Your Universe…
Dennis Miedema Column – The Basics of Having Good “Game”
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This is how to get physical with a woman…
Last modified on 2010-06-19 20:15:37 GMT. 3 comments. Top.
Hi it’s Dennis Miedema from Win With Women and I’ve got some bad news…
Recent research has shown that although men are very good at recognizing negative body language (hostile threats), we SUCK at recognizing positive body language (indicators of interest, smiles, and so on). That’s the area of body language that women can easily recognize.
Do you understand what that means?
It means that by nature, we’re at a disadvantage in the dating game compared to women caus’ it takes us longer to see that a woman is interested in us… and being interested is the requirement for escalating things physically.
Put simply: if I don’t know a woman likes me, I won’t try to get physical with her… unless I would be a rapist off course.
Meanwhile, women decide what’s going to happen at the end of the day, because if they don’t feel comfortable and safe enough around us they won’t make that next step with us.
The result: getting physical with women is far from an A to Z process, it’s much more a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.
Sounds difficult huh?
But once you know what those steps actually are, what they mean and how they relate… you’ll find that the 2 steps forward and 1 back approach to getting physical with women will almost always get you what you want.
Well now, let’s explore those freaking steps already!
There are five of ‘em: get personal, get friendly, get dominant, get facial, and get sexual.
Step 1) Get Personal
When I first started meeting and dating women, I hardly made any physical contact at all. Even worse, I didn’t even make physical contact with my female friends beyond two kisses on the cheeks on their birthdays. I felt really uncomfortable about it. Looking back on it, I can only laugh and say it’s sad because you HAVE to get personal if you want to get physical.
Here’s the juicy secret: from a body language perspective, humans have what I call “intimacy zones”. They differ from culture to culture but it basically comes down to this:
- Get within 0-2 feet – we know each other intimately: we’re dating, best friends, and so on
- Get within 2-4 feet – you’re a friend or family, whatever’s the case… we know each other
- Get within 4+ feet – I don’t know you or hardly know you
If I feel comfortable when you go into my 0-2 feet intimacy zone, so when you can stand really close to me for longer periods of time without me being bothered by it… you can bet your ass that we know each other intimately.
And the first step to getting physical with women is getting into that zone without bothering her. And to do that, you need to create comfort. You need to create a connection. Find stuff you have in common, make her laugh, playfully tease her, ask her open ended questions so you can get her know her and you can get as close as you want.
If you can see her getting uncomfortable when you get in her 0-2 feet zone, first check if she’s getting shy (which is a good thing dude – she likes you!) or uncomfortable in a bad way. If it’s in a bad way, it’s 1 step back and doing more of what I just mentioned before you try again.
That’s the 2 steps forward and 1 step back approach: you give it a try and if she isn’t comfortable with it yet, you take 1 step back and create more comfort for 10-15 minutes and then you try again until it works.
A “no” in the world of body language almost never means an actual no. It means “I’m not ready yet, give me more and try again.” So always try to take things to the next step and let her decide the tempo. You don’t care how long it will take you as long as it happens, know what I mean? Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war dude, so take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.
It’s real easy to get personal, but that actually makes a lot of guys forget this important step. They hardly notice when a girl gets uncomfortable, when she’s not fine with the closest intimacy zone yet. So practice it. Practice getting as close to her as possible.
Step 2) Get Friendly
Notice how good friends subconsciously touch each other a lot without realizing it… don’t worry, I mean that in the most non-gay way ever.
Some of the stuff you do with friends and family without realizing it gives you a way to make a woman get used to you touching her, which is VERY important if you ever want to get sexual with her.
It’s surprising for me to see that almost no guy who’s on a date out there actually does the stuff I’m about to share with you because he thinks dating and socializing are different… but they aren’t so far. Here’s what you can do to get friendly:
- Give a pat on the back
- If the teasing goes back and forth, push her around a little bit (play fight with her)
- While talking to her, let your hand rest on her shoulder or touch her upper arm (sounds awkward, but lots of people do it)
- Playful behavior: pinch her, tickle her, pull her hair, lift her up, mock her by hugging her if she calls you mean and so on
Here’s a juicy secret: if you want to get friendly really fast, start seeing a woman as your bratty little sister. How would you treat your bratty little sister if you and her would still be young? You would pinch her, tickle her, pull her hair, lift her up, mock her by hugging her if she calls you mean and so on.
Whether they’ll admit it or not, women love that stuff… so start doing it.
Why do this and why not just skip this step? Simple: the more friendly you get, the more of a connection you’ll have with a woman and the more comfortable she’ll feel around you. The kinds of physical contact I just described create a stronger bond than you’d think.
Step 3) Get Dominant
This domain is owned by the gentlemen because whether you realize it or not, they’re being dominant and taking the lead when showing manners. Say a guy opens the door for a woman and stretches out his arm: “ladies first” he says. What he’s actually doing is telling her to go in, he’s LEADING her in and that means dominance my friend.
Dominance is attractive… and the more you do the following, the easier and faster you can get facial and get sexual. Basically, if you do this part right? You won’t have to take 1 step back. Here’s the list:
- Going somewhere with her? Then grab her hand and lead her there. Not just when you’re walking on the street dude, no I’m talking about always doing it. In a club on the dancefloor and want to sit down with her? Grab her hand… or at the bar and wanna go outside with her? Grab her hand. Always do it. PERIOD.
- Holding her hand? Squeeze it a little and if she squeezes back? She likes you. It’s as simple as that.
- Going in or leaving a venue? Hold the door open for her and tell her that ladies go first.
- Driving a car? Hold the door open for her before you yourself get in.
- Going in a venue and wearing a coat or jacket? Help her take of her coat. Put it back on when leaving.
- Going to sit down? Pull out her chair for her.
- Rain or hail? Keep her dry by holding the umbrella for her, holding a newspaper or even your coat above her head.
- Crossing the street? Gently guide her by letting your hand rest on her lower back
- Walking up (or down) some stairs, moving from street to sidewalk and so on? Hold out your hand and help her get up or down.
- Don’t forget this important one: when sitting down, make her sit on your lap.
Being this dominant is attractive, plus women will be charmed by your gentleman behavior but here’s a juicy secret: you can mix it up by teasing women with all of this. Pull out her chair and then pull it out even further when she’s sitting down so she almost falls, pretend to drop her coat when you put in on her, etc. Playful teasing is attractive as well so go right ahead and do it.
So go 2 steps forward and 1 back again: be a gentleman 2 times, and trick her the third time. It has never failed me yet!
Step 4) Get Facial
This is the area that separates the close friends from the lovers. Getting facial isn’t something out of a spa or porn flick, it has to do with touching her head, her face especially. Just look around next time you’re in public and see the difference between lovers and friends: lovers touch each others faces, friends hardly ever do that.
Remember me telling you how men suck at recognizing when a woman’s interested? Well, this step requires you to gauge whether she’s interested or not. Most men think they need to know all kinds of signals of interest, but in reality?
If she has been playing along with all of these steps so far, especially with getting dominant, she’s interested in you 9 out of 10 times so stop being unsure about her interest, be a man, and take action on it. Don’t overthink it.
Same goes for kissing her. Why overthink it? If you’re on a date, things are going well, and you just completed step 3, then why not stop her in the middle of the street, let her face you and go for that kiss?
It’s the type of dominant behavior women CRAVE. They’ve been reading about it for ages in those sleazy romance novels man… about a guy who takes what he wants when he wants it. So start doing that.
And if you’re really, really unsure? There’s 2 ways of testing if she’s ready to be kissed:
1) If she’s talking, do the Triangle. First look at her left eye a couple seconds, then her right eye, then her lips and repeat the process. You literally make a triangle with your eyes, and if she stops talking when you do that? Then the sexual tension made her stop talking and you can kiss her. 99% of the women stop talking…
2) When talking, touch her hair or one of her cheeks and gently stroke it (make a compliment about it when you think you need an excuse). If she’s fine with it? I think you know more than enough…
In my view, even kissing can be escalated. You start with a good long kiss, but “tongue raping” someone is way more intimate than kissing so first kiss romantically, then go for the tongue rape after that.
One of the most sensitive spots for any woman is her neck, so make sure you’re a little devil who “accidentally” kissed her in the neck a couple times. Oops you aimed wrong, whatever.
The moment you’ll turn her on big time is when you go from kissing to tongue to her neck, and then suddenly take a step back by offering a massage. You guessed it: it’s 2 steps forward and 1 step back!
Step 5) Get Sexual
All women LOVE men who are dominant in bed so again being a man who’s the dominant action taker works here. Sometimes ripping off her clothes is enough once you two are in the bedroom. I’m not kidding.
If she resists and/or doesn’t start to undress you, it’s better to lead into getting sexual. My perfect way of doing that is a massage, but screw shoulder massages here. I never do those. Simply offer her to massage her back with some oil. Why?
First off, oil is erotic in the bedroom. Secondly, if you’re gonna massage her back she has to take of her shirt so she’ll start to get used to taking of her clothes. Then it’s just you, her back and her bra. If she likes it, you can even make her take of her pants by offering to massage her legs with oil too.
And oh yeah… did I mention massages (when done well) turn a woman on like CRAZY?
From there it’s simply offering a full body massage: make her turn around, kiss her when she does, take of her bra and the rest is history…
Why make things hard for yourself by trying to get her to lay down when you kiss her as she’s sitting in a chair, when you can get her to lay down herself for your massage?
These are the basics of getting physical with women and I hope you discovered a couple gems there. Stay tuned as I’ll discuss body language in more detail very soon. Meanwhile, tell me… what’s your opinion on getting physical with women?
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
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