How to Attract Women – By Growing a Spine

Ah, women.

If you’re not completely captivated by the female species…you’re terrified of them. Strange how the possibility of getting turned down sends waves of fear even through the hardest of men.

Blame it on biological programming I guess. Back then, hitting on the wrong lady-folk literally meant death. If the woman you had your eye on happened to be tight with the big cheese in the village, he and his boys would treat you as a threat.

And well, let’s just say he’s not going to let you off with a verbal warning. (Unless your definition of a warning is “getting your head bashed in with the nearest blunt object.”)

These days, any blows dealt are the emotional and psychological kind.

The Curious Case of Brad the Doormat

My friend Brad is a 26-year-old programmer at a mobile app company who loves sci-fi films and plays a lot of video games.  He also has trouble talking to the ladies. He’s petrified by fear the moment the conversation starts.

I know what you’re thinking, so let me stop you right there…

Despite how Brad might seem at first, he’s quite a sociable guy. He enjoys meeting new people and making friends. He even had a pretty hot girlfriend not too long ago – and that’s actually where the problem started. Brad had been in a relationship with this girl for over a couple of years and things were going great.

That is, until she decided to cheat on him with some jock-looking dude who swept her off her feet. Brad was shattered to the core, as any guy would be in his shoes.

It’s not that the jerk that his girl ran off with was “better” than him.  It turned out they’d drifted apart for some time and her cheating was just the final nail in the coffin.

In any case, it really did a number on Brad. He’d built his life around their relationship, so he had a hard time starting over. It was especially difficult meeting new women, especially with starting a conversation with them.

Some part of Brad was afraid of messing up again, so he became a super needy, “yes man”version of himself. As a result, he’d crumble at the first sign of resistance.  Either that, or he’d end up going a few dates with someone until she’d gotten enough free dinners and gifts before kicking him to the curb.

Awakening Your Inner Alpha

It was at this point that I stepped in. After watching Brad walk out of one dating minefield and straight into another, I knew I had to rebuild him from the ground up. The fear of women giving you a hard time or rejecting you is a nothing more than psychological hang-up. And if you can’t find a way to get over this mental block around women, they’re going to walk all over you and eat you alive.

But it’s not because women have some grand diabolical scheme to persecute guys.

When a woman puts up an attitude, or seems she’s being vicious on purpose … the truth is that she’s putting you through a screening process for her own protection.

She’s not about to just let any random schmuck in her pants, no matter how attracted she is to him. And the fact that she considers you as a “candidate” means that you already have a shot. Your job is to NOT mess it up by choking at a crucial moment.

Going back my “earlier days” example, women had to choose the right mate, or else they’d be screwed.  They needed a partner that could stand alongside them and brave the big bad world with her and their future offspring.

So if you react in a non-alpha way with your words, actions or behavior, her survival instincts will tell her to give you the boot.

So the real trick is not to shrivel up when a girl gives you crap after trying to hit on her. But it’s not a simple matter of telling yourself NOT to freak out when the moment comes. You need to make some changes on a deeper level to develop a backbone in the dating world.

So let’s get down to it…

Just Break the Damn Ice

Think of talking to women as bungee jumping: the longer you hesitate, the LESS you want to step off the edge.

The most common problem guys have with taking that leap is overthinking the what-ifs.

You might be telling yourself:

• – “What if she doesn’t like me?”
• – “What if she laughs in my face?”
• – “What if she acts like a total bitch and shoots me down in front of everyone?”
• – “What if we don’t gel and the conversation becomes super awkward?”

I can guarantee you ALL guys have gone through this to some degree. But clearly it hasn’t stopped SOME of them from picking up women and even getting laid.

So don’t stress out about how to get a conversation started.  Contrary to popular belief, there is no perfect pickup like or opener – in fact, it’s better that you DON’T have pre-packaged material.

There might have been a time when that artificial stuff worked, but thanks to the internet, women have caught on. They’re going to smell that stilted dialogue a mile away. Keep it organic instead and pick a topic to talk about.

It may be something as inane as the weather if you’re outside, or the weird way the oranges are stacked at the grocery aisle (seriously – that’s how I got a girl’s number before). Make a funny comment, offer your opinion or simply make an observation.

That last one works pretty well, especially if you say something like, “You strike me as someone who hates 80s covers” or an equally cheeky statement that elicits a response from her. You just need to find a topic as a springboard for other topics later on.

What matters is you don’t think about it too much and just get your foot in the door, so to speak. I’m aware you’re STILL worried about things going south, but we’ll deal with that later on.

Right now, try to remember that this whole talking and flirting deal is a GAME anyway, so you should treat it as such.

Have a little faith in yourself that you can power through those typical snags guys hit when starting out.

Let’s go a little deeper and move on, shall we?

Be Funny

Easier said than done, I know. But there’s no way around this if you want to catch a girl’s attention.The good news is that it’s also not as hard as you think. I suggest you watch some videos of funny guys in movies and standup sets.

I’m not saying you have to be a Jim Carrey or Dave Chappelle clone – that would be sad and cringe-worthy. What I want you to do is to get a feel of the different styles out there, and how humor and comic timing work.

Observe how the greats point something out from a situation and exaggerate it to a ridiculous degree.

You’ll find a particular approach that resonates with you, and you should emulate (read: NOT imitate) that. No matter what style you have, you need to have ONE to begin with. Again, don’t worry if your brand of humor doesn’t click with a particular girl.

There are a hundred different reasons (most of which have nothing do to with you) why she didn’t laugh at your clever 90s Seinfeld reference.

She might be having a crap day, her pet plant died, her boss might have chewed her out just a couple of hours earlier, or she just might be a mean person. It doesn’t matter – It just means it wasn’t meant to be and your time is better spent on someone else.

Nothing personal.

And when you jokes DO click with a certain girl, the rest of conversation will take care of itself.

She is out there, and you just need to find someone who will “get it.” Like your opener, jokes are just a means to an end – which is getting her guard down and making a connection.

Side note: Try not to use humor that’s too dark or heavy. Comedians like Jimmy Carr are masters at this, but it’s definitely NOT for everyone. It takes a level of familiarity before unleashing this kind of stuff on someone. Save it for much later when you’re sure she won’t freak out – and use it sparingly even then.

Be Shameless

Ok, don’t get me wrong. Acting like a douche, making overtly sexual jokes and getting too handsy will earn you a well-deserved slap in the face.

But on the other side of the pickup spectrum, don’t be so damn apologetic about yourself either.

Look, I know she’s hot and all, but that doesn’t give her a license to judge or talk down to you. Nor does it mean you should waive your right to having an opinion – even if it doesn’t line up with hers.

The hottest couples I know RARELY agree on most things. What keeps them going is the RESPECT they have for their differences, and you need to establish that as early as now.

Which means you shouldn’t be afraid to be REAL with a girl. Again, you can do this without being an actual jerk about it.

Here are some examples:

• – If your passion is building model cars in your basement, don’t act like you have the plague. When she asks you about your hobbies, answer honestly with a smile and be HAPPY about it. How she reacts to it is up to HER, not you.
• – NEVER be sorry about anything if you haven’t crossed any lines (i.e. being creepy, getting too personal, using inappropriate language, etc.).
• – Here are some low-value statements that lower her respect and kill any attraction she has for you: “I’m sorry I’m not your type”, “I’m sorry I’m not a dog person, I hope that doesn’t turn you off”, “I’m sorry for talking to you, I didn’t mean to bother you.”
• – Be upfront about your intentions. You don’t have to spell it out exactly, but the way you present yourself and communicate with her should tell her what direction you want to take with her (i.e. NOT taking the “let’s just be friends” route).
• – Don’t be surprised that women ALSO hate it when a guy would rather hide his feelings of attraction instead of coming out with it. If your goal is to get a date with her, accept that the possibility of a “no” comes with the territory.

Be a (little) Smart-ass

This is the perfect antidote to spinelessness. You may think that you don’t have it in you, but you never know until you try pushing back a little.

Women are 100% more likely to respect you for holding your ground and keeping your dignity – even if you’re being treated like crap. For women with a sweeter disposition, putting yourself out there (even if you’re terrified!) and being a decent human being to them is more than ENOUGH.

(And mind you, I’m not talking about the entitled I’m-such-a-nice-guy-why-don’t-you-love-me kind of decent).

The fact that you’re making the first move, trying to be funny and basically putting in the work will already get you in their good graces.

But some women are a little feisty and have more bite than bark.  And fewer still are full-blown bitchy.

Like I said, it doesn’t matter. In cases like those, your basic strategy is to keep your dignity and NEVER let her see you bleed – regardless of the outcome.

Attachment to outcome is what does a man in. The less you care about it, the more liberated you’ll be.  But it takes experience to get to that higher state of mind, so you better buckle up and rack up those miles.

Trust me – it’s a fun ride if you embrace the chaos.

Right now, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, thanks a bunch Carlos, you’ve cured me. All I have to do is tell myself not to be a wuss, and I’ll have the confidence of a Black Ops Marine.”

Chill, man. I got you covered.

Here are some tips to help you survive a particularly unpleasant encounter:

• – Don’t ever try to defend or justify yourself to her. This is a close cousin to not apologizing unnecessarily, and the point is not allowing her nasty words to have leverage over you.
• – When she says, “Nice Star Wars” shirt, I bet all the girls are begging you take them home,” don’t act all hurt and try to “correct” her. You LOSE if you snap back with, “Excuse me, Star Wars happens to be one of the greatest sci-fi stories of all time and anyone who’s cultured will have some appreciation of it.”  
• – Stay in the game. It’s all about returning her serve, so lob that zinger right back and put the ball in her court. The best way to handle that Star Wars remark is by taking it to a ridiculous level: “Yeah, I’m the galaxy’s biggest stud, no doubt.”
• – Turn the tables on her by taking it further. Now, she might try to keep you on your toes with another condescending quip like, “Sorry, I don’t find sci-fi geeks attractive at all”, so you just recalibrate that reality with a statement of your own. “Well, don’t diss it ‘til you’ve tried it. Besides, millions of Big Bang Theory fans don’t have a problem with sexy geeks.”
• – She might take a jab at your appearance like your thinning hairline or bulging mid-section, to which you say respectively, “Yeah, balding is awesome – who needs all that wind resistance anyway?” and “What’s wrong with having more of me to love?”
• – Stay the course. Once you’ve gone down this path, don’t back down now. Keep up the verbal wordplay even if she ends up leaving. Finish the game strong and let it be a character-building moment.

Speaking of which…

Lose Graciously

So maybe it’s really not working out and she simply refuses to be won over.  It’s no big deal. No one will fault you for employing a dignified exit strategy.

You can lick your wounds when you get home. In the meantime, just finish things off with “Thanks for your time anyway, it was nice talking to you” and remove yourself from the situation.

Unloading your frustration on her will make a less-than-ideal scenario into a legitimately BAD one.

It helps to think of it this way:

Your goal isn’t to find The One Girl Destined For You.

You’re just here for the ride, so enjoy it.  If you do get a serious relationship out of it, that’s not worth thinking about until MUCH later on.

Your immediate priority is getting your inner game sorted out and not being a doormat to women. 

And that takes us to the last part…

Rock-Solid Confidence Is a MUST

Obviously, I can’t hope to cover this entire topic right here and now. But this is important stuff because having a spine means believing in yourself.

If you felt you were lacking or defective in some way, this is 100% going to mess with your game.  You can “fake it til you make it” all you want, but the “making it” part is about developing good old-fashioned self-confidence.

That doesn’t mean though you have to hold off on interacting with women while you work on this part of yourself.

You can still build up that in-field experience while learning about the basics of being more confident.

Here are some basics to help you get started:

• – Think about the positives. Make a simple list of the stuff you’re naturally good at, and any interests and hobbies that make you, YOU. Also include stuff you’ve done in the past that a made a difference or impacted people positively. Having pride in who you are is a good start and a basic building block of confidence.
• – Deal with your hang–ups. I’m not trying to be your shrink or anything, but I want you to think about experiences growing up that might have shaped that narrative you have about yourself. People like your family, friends, classmates, ex-partners (like in Brad’s case) have an effect on your confidence and it’s important to acknowledge this.
• – Put an action plan down in writing. Maybe there’s a particular area in your life you’re not feeling great about, so come up with a list actionable items to help you work on it.Whether it’s being better at sports, playing music or being the world’s best hotdog eater, create a path to follow with milestones along the way (kidding about the last one of course). The more you check off these items off the list, the greater your confidence will grow.
• – Don’t be a slob. It’s sad to see a lot of guys not feeling 100% about themselves because of something they could totally prevent. You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but there’s no excuse for being out of shape and poor hygiene. That, and eating healthy (or at least trying to) are totally under your control.
• – Handle the Essentials. Even the basics like taking a shower, smelling good, brushing your teeth and having a sense of style will give you serious boost before you leave your place. Confidence is NOT worrying about these things when you’re dealing with other people – women included.
• – Get your Z’s. And while we’re on the topic of health, get your sleep life in order – your waking hours depend on it. Look up how to keep your circadian rhythm in harmony. The better you rest, the more stuff you get done in the day!

Hey, I know all of this is a lot to take in, but trust me that this will put you on the right path to unleashing the Awesome Alpha Dude in you.

When you cultivate a solid personality that comes from a place of fearless authenticity, women will sense that and respect you.

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It’s my gift to you that’ll help you create an unshakable masculine core that will have women fighting over you.

Forget about grovelling to win their approval – this will flip the script by blasting away any trace of insecurity in your system!

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